I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
