I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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