We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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