Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
