I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
