Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
