Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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