i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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