Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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