I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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