I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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