He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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