I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
