I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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