My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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