Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
