i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There are leaves in my underwear?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
