I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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