turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
