A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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