What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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