i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
