I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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