piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
