At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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