Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
