Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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