Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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