____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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