hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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