i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
