I think i peed on brittanys purse
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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