she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
