thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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