how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
