I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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