Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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