Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
