wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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