Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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