i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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