I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
