I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
