you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
