How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
