i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
