I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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