i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
