just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
