i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
