My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
